As I am trying to dedicate the appropriate time to compose an exhaustive entry concerning fear, vulnerability and other emotional responses to being within the threshold of transparent idea-exchange, I thought I would edit and post this stream-of-consciousness diary entry of mine from when I was struggling within myself . . . with certain things. Sorry to be vague, but given this and the other diary entries I have posted-- I want them to paint an impression and stand for themselves while also giving context to the discussion of what really is present in the phenomena of Emotional Reactions to Conversation. These diaries might be unorthodox to some, but I invite all impressions and feedback even if it is not strictly philosophical (point-for-point argument, etc). I have risked a bit of my personal self in sharing these, and hope that you will want to do the same.
18 October, 2007 8:57p
Think of your closest friend....Have you ever intensified your trained gaze into their stare and not asked, but earned their
trust with only your eyes-- an ethereal pact forged in the electrical storm of two minds?
A silent, trusted bond. And some say that you cannot
see into the soul of a man using his eyes as windows. No? Shut the fuck up, wait out the grins and chuckles and awkward postures, auditory starts and involuntary gestures. Tell me this doesn’t exhibit all the signs of a security system breaking down. Dare to look deeper and longer and tell me that once both
have overcome the fear of being seen, that the mood does gravitate into an intensity, a gravity right beyond the awkward, just past the tickle of fear. The first time, the raw experience is driven on by emotion; revisit the experience and there is time to reflect, investigate and dwell on the nature—that origin—of the fear, or whatever emotion seems most compelling to dissect as you notice its rise within yourself. :::EXPAND::::::
We build minds on top of minds. As I sit here I think through everything I have made myself to know in order to draw
credible suppositions, stories, fictions and facts-- and I realize that my knowledge is only and can only be that
of the planks (I will choose here to stop this route characterization of how intl. works in place of my own imagery.
this may seem excessive to some- and a concept all together foreign to others)--- the sum absorptions of the words of others....
whether oral, written, performed.....not until we have performed the macerations for ourselves can we begin to complete
the symbiot. And so we build our minds on top of the phrases and comments and impressions of those iconic or familial or
academic. Of this component- and as it concerns the infancy of beliefs- there exists no human control. For this to stand
though it must prove true that the process by which one absorbs, consumes, retains, then fuses with information (the process
that changes our relationship to the world and ourselves, quite literally) requires that we are receiving more than just
biographical, statistical blah blah. We retain (maybe for a large amount- subconsciously) other people's markers: inflected
meanings, a tendency to break eye contact; can we not always be holding the gaze of another’s….what is this?? infinity? A piece of it?? Sometimes yes to both and more, I suppose…
:::EXPAND::::::
my point is: Create. you cannot know who you really are until you have feasted on life with the ferocity it takes to become
gorged with experiences; there is no gene scripting our decisions. There are things which must be explored beyond their
easy snag of fear. What about pushing ourselves to extremes?? Aren’t we incomplete still if we don’t travel to these places? Aren’t I talking about the mental extremes in thought experiment? Afraid we won’t find our way back? There is our fear again, present at the very decision of a journey, born as the twin of Human Aspiration.
12:12am Ed. 20 April 12, 2010
